Ever notice how you say, “I’m great” when you’re not?

Do you keep a cheerful attitude just to fit in?

Or worry about what you say or do when in the company of other people.

Sometimes these things can make our day or ruin it completely.

The most common cause of social anxiety is fear and insecurity. We feel as if we lack in some way. We feel we’re not good enough.

These negative thoughts and emotions control our everyday lives and make us unhappy.

So how can we use mindfulness for social anxiety?

I used to struggle with this in the past. And, to be honest, still struggle to some degree even now.

I was always performing a role and saying things I didn’t believe in. All of it was done to please other people. And the worst thing about it: I was unaware of it. It was an automatic pre-programmed behavior.

The only thing that allowed me to uncover this deeply rooted flaw was my daily mindfulness practice. With time, I came up with a simple exercise that helped me stay in the present moment and not be controlled by my fears.

How to practice mindfulness for social anxiety

Step 1

As you’re going about your day, identify situations and people that make you put on a mask and play a role.

It’s a part of life that we can’t escape. It comes with living in human society.

There will always be situations that make us behave in a certain way. Sometimes forcing us to do things we don’t want to do.

So the first thing you should do is identify those situations and be prepared to face them when the time comes. You need to be more conscious than usual.

Step 2

Once you find yourself around people that make you nervous, turn your attention to your body.

Notice any subtle changes in how you walk, where you look, how you hold your hands.

Maybe there is a tension in your shoulders, or you start crossing your arms and act defensively.

These are signs that your body is in distress, and you need to prepare for the next step.

Step 3

The next thing you should do is identify the emotion you’re feeling at that moment.

For example, you could be worried about what other people think about you.

We often grow up in a society that programs us to place value on things like good appearance, wealth, and high social status. So basically, if you’re not pretty, rich, or come from a good family, you’re labeled as deficient.

That’s just one example; it can be different for you. There will always be a negative emotion or programming that underlies your behavior.

Step 4

The last step is to accept the emotion and don’t resist it.

So how does that work?

Resistance is the main reason negative emotions have such a tight grip on you and persist for a long time.

If we observe them and let them be, they lose all their power. So if you say, “I feel that I’m worried. There is a worry in me. It’s just a feeling. It’s not me.” Then go deep and feel it as not you but as energy field in your body. Suddenly, you become free of worry. It doesn’t control you anymore.

It’s all about accepting the present moment as it is. We connect with the inner stillness and realize that there is nothing to fear or worry about.

Go through these steps every day to practice mindfulness for social anxiety. With time you’ll be aware of the patterns that make you unhappy and will be able to let them go. They won’t be able to control you because you will not identify with them anymore.

Admit it.

In every personal argument, you want to prove you are right.

Even in those cases, when deep down you know you are wrong.

But you ignore that feeling and keep pushing.

If you’re lucky, you will have your way. But if you’re not, then the argument will keep escalating until you say something you can’t take back.

The good relationship you both had will end, and you might never be able to repair it.

This kind of thing happened to me a lot in the past.

I was arrogant and inconsiderate of those close to me. The need to be right and tell them how it really is was very strong, almost overwhelming at times. It ruined a lot of friendships in my life.

Since starting my meditation practice, I became aware of this pattern and learned to avoid it. Now I can talk to someone without trying to impose my opinion on them.

When the need to be right returns, I observe it and let it go. Being aware of it has turned into a spiritual practice.

In this article, I would like to share how you can learn to do the same and change the way you interact with people.

Does It Mean You Have to Agree with Everyone?

So let’s clear some things first. It’s completely fine to have views and opinions. What’s important here is to be aware of your state of consciousness when talking about them.

So try to remember how you feel when you lose an argument.

You feel diminished in your sense of self. In other words, your ego is hurt.

This pain creates a lot of food for negative thoughts that you play over and over in your head.

You refuse to admit you were wrong and feel angrier than before.
It contributes to a sense of division and separateness between you and the “others.”

By giving in to this pattern, you start to divide people into “right” and “wrong.” While being in this mode, you’re one step away from labeling people into groups and categories.

How to Let Go of the Need to Be Right

When you feel like you’re going to be sucked into a needless and petty argument, remember about these three questions based on objectivity, compassion, and awareness.

1. The first step is to ask yourself, “Do I know everything?” or “Do I have enough information?”

Even if you think you’re an expert in something, there still might be things you don’t know.

Questioning your knowledge or objectivity is not an easy thing to do. Still, it’s a sobering and humbling habit once you adopt it.

When you think about it, none of us can ever know everything about anything. In the end, it all comes down to personal opinions and points of view.

2. The second question is, “Do I know this person well enough? Or “Do I know why they are acting like this right now?

We can’t truly know the driving force behind someone else’s words or actions. We don’t know about their situation or the experiences they had.

Something must have happened to them to take this stand. You might not see it, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not there.

So try to put yourself in another person’s shoes. For a moment, try to imagine why they would say or think that way. There is always a reason.

3. The third question to ask is, “Do I know why I’m acting like this right now?”

When you are in the middle of the argument, turn your attention to the emotion you feel at that moment.

You might discover that you are angry, frustrated, impatient. Notice how much hostility and negative energy you’re producing at that very moment.

After you’ve noticed the emotion, stay with it for a while. Do not resist. Soon, it will become clear it’s just a feeling, it’s not you.

You’ll notice a tiny space between your awareness and negative emotion. At that moment, you will be able to slow down and realize that this argument doesn’t matter that much.

If you repeat this process every time you find yourself in conflict situations, it will become your spiritual practice. You’ll have so much more control over your need to be right. And you’ll notice how other peoples’ behavior will also start to change around you.

At some point, you’ll find yourself in an impossible situation.

Maybe, you’re facing it right now.

You don’t know what to do and can’t let go of worry and fear.

It’s precisely these moments when we need guidance to help us find a way out.

The good news is you always have three options to overcome challenges in life, and one of them will always work for you.

I first learned about them from the book The Power of Now, written by spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle.

In this post, I want to share these three powerful ways to deal with any obstacles that life puts before you.

#1. The first thing you need to try

Every day we face a number of different situations. Most of them can be unpleasant or downright intolerable.

We all have different ways of dealing with them, but very often, we do nothing and repress our feelings. This builds up over time and causes stress.

Eckhart Tolle teaches us that the first thing we can is to try to change the situation, if possible.

But the action shouldn’t come from the place of negativity. It should come from a clear understanding of where you are and what choices you have at this very moment to overcome challenges.

Action arising out of insight into what is required is more effective than action arising out of negativity. — Eckhart Tolle

#2. If the first one doesn’t work

If you tried to change the situation, but nothing worked, then consider the second option — to remove yourself from it.

For example, how often do you find yourself arguing with someone who is clearly not going to change their mind?

When you catch yourself in this unconscious behavior, take a step back, and reconsider everything. Then walk away if you feel that nothing you say or do will result in a positive outcome.

Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing. — Eckhart Tolle

#3. The hardest of the three

Sometimes we are trapped in a situation that we have absolutely no control of.

That means you can’t do anything to change the situation or remove yourself from it.

It’s the point of complete surrender and acceptance of what is. But don’t confuse it with giving up.

Acceptance doesn’t mean that you resign yourself and say, “It’s all pointless.” On the contrary, you accept this moment without complaining or judging.

You allow your inner stillness to manifest fully and, by doing so, regain peace and clear your mind.

The false, unhappy self that loves feeling miserable, resentful, or sorry for itself can then no longer survive. This is called surrender. Surrender is not weakness. There is great strength in it. Only a surrendered person has spiritual power. Through surrender, you will be free internally of the situation. You may then find that the situation changes without any effort on your part. In any case, you are free. — Eckhart Tolle

#4. The one thing you want to avoid doing

Right now, you might be asking, “What if I don’t like any of these three options?”

Well, that’s a fair question, and the answer can help you make up your mind.

If you don’t want to change the situation, walk away, or accept it, then the only option you have is to suffer.

That’s what happens to most of us when we try to overcome challenges in life. And it doesn’t matter how big or small the problems are. In the end, they all add up and result in what we call unhappiness.

I remember Eckhart Tolle mentioning this fourth option during one of his talks and immediately thought, “That’s what I have been doing for the most of my life.”

Choose the Right Option Today

Whenever you hear a critical voice in your head that can’t forgive or compromise, always remember about the three options you have.

Don’t let your thoughts and emotions take over and practice being an impartial observer of the situation.

Remember, you can always change, leave, or accept any challenging situation. The only other choice is suffering.

I believe you can make the right choice.

Is it hard for you to meditate even for 3 minutes?

Do you get interrupted by noises, physical discomfort, or even your thoughts?

If you do, then here is what you need to know: these meditation distractions are part of the process.

And the hardest thing you will learn to do is become comfortable with them.

Why am I confident in your success? Because I went through that stage myself.

Looking back, all I can remember is irritation and disappointment.

Prolonged sitting stirred memories from my past that I learned to push away, and it wasn’t what I wanted.

But in the end, it did help me let go of the things that were burdening my mind.

Meditation allowed me to observe my thoughts without judgment. I was able to focus on the now, the only thing that truly mattered.

So in this post, I will share the three most common meditation distractions and how to deal with them.

Irritating Noises

Can you meditate to the sound of the pigs?

If you’re wondering why I’m bringing up the pigs, here’s a story behind it.

I’m a part of a meditation group, and one day a member posted a question on behalf of a friend who lived on a farm.

This friend wanted to meditate, but pig noises interfered with his concentration. So he wanted to know what he should do about it.

The right answer to that question is two-fold.

First, you have to take the right action. Do whatever you can to find a quiet place. However, sometimes it’s easier said than done.

If there is no practical way to get rid of the distracting sound, you need to get comfortable with it.

Observe your internal reactions and let them uncover your habitual thought patterns.

As you practice more, you might notice that the noise doesn’t really bother you anymore. So whether you meditate in total silence or with pigs around won’t make any difference.

Do you live in a noisy environment? How do you deal with it when you want to meditate?

Physical Discomfort

So you are trying to sit still, but your body wants to move. And on top of that, it seems like forever because time has stopped.

In my experience, this irritating feeling can be linked to physical discomfort.

One way to deal with this meditation distraction is to adjust your sitting meditation posture.

For example, many people start with a cross-legged position on the floor.

I do not recommend this approach because it does more harm than good. If you’re not flexible enough, you might feel tense and uneasy.

The best option is to sit on a chair, placing feet firmly on the ground and arms on the lap.

This way, you will keep your body relaxed, and your mind alert for meditation.

Related: 3 Relaxing Meditation Postures for Beginners

Distracting Thoughts

Does it seem impossible to keep out distracting thoughts when you meditate?

Only a few minutes into meditation and a random image from your past shutters your concentration. And when that happens, you blame yourself for not being able to meditate the right way.

As this keeps happening, you consider dropping meditation because it doesn’t work.

If you ever felt that way, then you had been doing everything right. Becoming aware of your thoughts is one of the main benefits of meditation.

For example, when you count your out-breaths during breathing meditation and get distracted, you have to start all over again. Only then can you move on to the next stage of the technique.

In the long run, this repetition helps your mind let go of thoughts and go back to your breath. You learn to “catch” your thoughts, becoming aware of something that was unconscious.

So there are two components at work here:

1. You notice that you are being distracted by a thought

2. You go back to your breath

Related: How to Practice Breathing Meditation in 4 Easy Steps

The moment you notice the distraction is the moment you create a small gap between you and your thought.

That gap means that you can “see” the thought from a distance. You break your identification with it. You become the observer.

This gap is tiny at first, but with time it expands, and your concentration improves.

It becomes much easier to follow your breath and come back to it whenever you want.

This practice profoundly changes your everyday life. Even when not meditating, you can catch yourself thinking negative thoughts. Your awareness grows, and with it, your ability to remain calm and take the right action.