Why do we often feel so unhappy even when everything is fine, and there is no reason to feel sad or discontent in the first place? Everyone has their own unique situation and experiences, but the core reason might be simpler than we think.

There used to be periods in my life when I felt unhappy all the time. Getting a new job, earning more money, and buying more stuff gave only a temporary relief. Soon after I got what I wanted the feeling of unhappiness would return again. I couldn’t understand why all my efforts ended up the same way. “What can I do to feel better?” I asked myself.

In A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose written by one of the most influential spiritual teachers of our time Eckhart Tolle, this tendency is attributed to three unconscious mental habits that we develop throughout our lives.

#1

To understand how this habit works, we can conduct a simple experiment by paying attention to our state of mind in the middle of routine activity. For example, waiting in line may feel unbearable to the point that we would do anything to make it move faster. We might feel angry at a cashier for being slow or at people who stand before us in line.

I remember feeling like that at my favorite coffee shop during the “rush hour.” I wanted to buy my coffee, but the waiting was killing me. I would start listening to music or reading a book on my phone to make the time go faster.

Eckhart Tolle calls this mental habit treating the present moment as a means to an end. We perform an activity only to get to the next moment. We don’t want to be where we are right now.

To the ego, the present moment is at best only useful as a means to an end. It gets you to some future moment that is considered more important. Even though the future never comes, except as the present moment, and is therefore never more than a thought in your head. In other words, you’re never fully here, because you’re always busy trying to get elsewhere.

#2

The second unconscious habit takes the first one a step further. How do we know if we’re exhibiting this unhealthy pattern in our lives? We need to ask ourselves how many problems we need to solve in the next few months. How important are they on the scale from 1 to 10? Once we’ve named them, we need to notice how they take up all our thoughts and leave no space for anything else. All we can think about is our problems.

This is the point where life becomes problematic, and we treat the present moment as an obstacle. Seeing problems becomes our go-to approach to life. But for every problem that we solve, a new one pops up, and we continue to be trapped in an endless cycle of stress and unfulfillment.

“I’ll be whatever you want me to be,” says Life or the Now. “I’ll treat you the way you treat me. If you see me as a problem, I will be a problem to you. If you treat me as an obstacle, I will be an obstacle.”

#3

When treating everything as a “problem” becomes a habit practiced in all aspects of our lives, the world becomes a very unwelcome place.

Eventually, we start seeing the present moment as an enemy. We hate what we do, complain about every little thing that goes wrong, and see ourselves as victims of unfortunate circumstances.

In other words, we are in conflict with what is. When we are in conflict with reality, our life becomes frustrating and unbearable.

You are making Life into an enemy and Life says, “War is what you want, and war is what you get.” An external reality which always reflects back to you your inner state is then experienced as hostile.

The Takeaway

Whenever we feel unhappy or discontent, we need to ask this simple question, “What is my relationship with the present moment?” And then look deep inside to find the answer.

More often than not, we may find that we’re treating the present moment as a means to an end, an obstacle, or an enemy. The truth is, the present moment is inseparable from Life. And so what we’re really doing is making an enemy of Life itself.

This question is an excellent way of unmasking the ego in you and bringing you into the state of presence. Although the question doesn’t embody the absolute truth — ultimately, “I” and present moment are one — it is a useful pointer in the right direction. Ask yourself it often, until you don’t need it anymore.

Some things are inevitable: challenging situations, difficult people, and overwhelming emotions. We might even feel the inclination to accept it all and admit that suffering can’t be avoided. But is this the right approach to living our lives? Today I would like to share a book that will help us go through a difficult time, feel calmer in our daily activities, and feel a deeper connection to the outside world. Peace is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life by Thich Nhat Hanh offers us a simple and direct approach to learning very powerful spiritual truths. Here are the 9 lessons from it that I chose for this post.

#1. Finding a way out of this unconscious pattern. We go through life hoping for a better future and doing everything we can to realize our dreams. And sometimes, in the process, we can ruin our health or unintentionally make people around us unhappy. In other words, we make a lot of sacrifices in the name of doing and achieving. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us all we need is already in us and that we should stop waiting for something better to come our way. Instead, we should enjoy the journey by practicing awareness of small things, like sitting and enjoying the sunset, walking in the park, or mindfully eating our breakfast in the morning.

When I think deeply about the nature of hope, I see something tragic. Since we cling to our hope in the future, we do not focus our energies and capabilities on the present moment. We use hope to believe something better will happen in the future, that we will arrive at peace…. Hope becomes a kind of obstacle. If you can refrain from hoping, you can bring yourself entirely into the present moment and discover the joy that is already here.

#2. Learning the right way to start our day. What’s the first thing that goes through our minds when we wake up in the morning? Very often we feel rushed and stressed. We pick up our phones, go through notifications, and start mentally rehearsing all the things we need to do that day. In other words, our day is finished before it even started. As time flies by, we go through this cycle again and again. Life becomes dull and uninspiring. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us to wake up with a smile and experience the richness of life in our immediate surroundings.

How can you remember to smile when you wake up? You might hang a reminder—such as a branch, a leaf, a painting, or some inspiring words—in your window or from the ceiling above your bed, so that you notice it when you wake up. … Smiling helps you approach the day with gentleness and understanding.

#3. Using a simple technique to calm our anxious minds. What happens when we start overthinking every little thing? We get paralized with indecision, focus on unlikely outcomes, and start looking for excuses to justify bad choises. As an antidote, Thich Nhat Hanh recommends practicing conscious breathing. As we breathe in and out, we say to ourselves, “In” and “Out.” This technique helps us slow down and keeps our minds focused on the breath.

According to the method of conscious breathing, when we breathe in and out, we stop thinking, because saying “In” and “Out” is not thinking—“In” and “Out” are only words to help us concentrate on our breathing. If we keep breathing in and out this way for a few minutes, we become quite refreshed. We recover ourselves, and we can encounter the beautiful things around us in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here.

#4. Using distractions to our advantage. We live in a world full of distractions. The most common of them is the one we’re carrying around all the time – our smartphones. A recent study shows that on average we check our smartphones 50 to 75 times per day. Quite a discouraging number. So what should we do? We can’t just throw out our phones, but we can use them to be more present rather than distracted. It’s a habit that we can start developing right now. Each time we get a notification from our phones, we should wait 3 seconds (or 3 rings if it’s a call) before reacting and using that time to be conscious of what we’re doing. Here’s how Thich Nhat Hanh puts it:

I recommend that the next time you hear the phone ring, just stay where you are, breathe in and out consciously, smile to yourself, and recite this verse: “Listen, listen. This wonderful sound brings me back to my true self.” … When the phone rings for the third time, you can continue to practice breathing and smiling, as you walk to the phone slowly, with all your sovereignty. You are your own master.

#5. Sitting by the river of feelings. There are many situations when we might lose our temper and let feelings and negative emotions dictate our actions in the heat of the moment. We all can remember times when we overreacted to someone else’s unkind remark and said something hurtful in response. These reactions are automatic and hard to control. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us that we can become free of this pattern by becoming aware of these feelings and letting them pass by on their. In particular, he uses the analogy of a river:

In us, there is a river of feelings, in which every drop of water is a different feeling, and each feeling relies on all the others for its existence. To observe it, we just sit on the bank of the river and identify each feeling as it surfaces, flows by, and disappears.

#6. Asking the right question. The best approach to tackling any problem is to find the underlying cause and work out the solution. Thich Nhat Hanh says that this approach can greatly contribute to our unhappiness. We develop a mental habit of looking for flaws and imperfections and think that everything needs fixing. But what if we start asking the opposite question? What if we start looking for feelings, perceptions that are wholesome, refreshing, and healing? Here’s the advice Thich Nhat Hanh gives us:

We should learn to ask, “What’s not wrong?” and be in touch with that.

#7. Untying the knots. Whenever something bad happens in our lives, a “knot” is tied inside of us. Since these knots are very subtle, they stay undetected and can become tighter and stronger over time. During meditation we may uncover some of these knots in the form of repressed thoughts and emotions. By becoming aware of them, we gain the chance to untie them once and for all. For example, we can ask ourselves the following questions: Why did I react this way? Why do I have these negative feelings toward this person? Why do I keep repeating the same destructive patterns in my life? Instead of avoiding our thoughts and feelings, we can learn to transform them with the power of mindfulness.

If we do not untie our knots when they form, they will grow tighter and stronger. Our conscious, reasoning mind knows that negative feelings such as anger, fear, and regret are not wholly acceptable to ourselves or society, so it finds ways to repress them…. But our internal formations are always looking for ways to manifest as destructive images, feelings, thoughts, words, or behavior. The way to deal with unconscious internal formations is, first of all, to find ways to become aware of them.

#8. Reconnecting with the source. Most of us live in little boxes called apartments made from cement, metal, and hard wiring. Our bodies are strained by the lack of movement. Our lungs are full of polluted air. Our senses are bombarded with an endless stream of stimuli. It becomes harder and harder to find a minute to just stop and be. Thich Nhat Hanh teaches us that an essential part of mindful living is reconnecting with Mother Earth. It’s vital to go outside the city and spend time in nature. The healing process will start by itself if we reconnect with nourishing elements of our planet.

Nature is our mother. Because we live cut off from her, we become sick.

#9. Practicing the art of interbeing. As we go deeper and deeper into our meditation practice, we’ll start to realize certain truths beyond common sense or logic. We’ll feel an inner connection to everything around us — even inanimate objects. This is what Thich Nhat Hanh calls interbeing. It’s a state of consciousness when all barriers of separation are gone, and we start to see that everything is one.

If you are a poet, you will see clearly that there is a cloud floating in this sheet of paper. Without a cloud, there will be no rain; without rain, the trees cannot grow; and without trees, we cannot make paper. The cloud is essential for the paper to exist. If the cloud is not here, the sheet of paper cannot be here either. So we can say that the cloud and the paper inter-are. “Interbeing” is a word that is not in the dictionary yet, but if we combine the prefix “inter-” with the verb “to be,” we have a new verb, inter-be.

I believe we can make a conscious choice to change something in our lives for the better and this book shows us how to do it. You can buy Peace is Every Step in paperback or audiobook format on Amazon.

“Without the faculty of forgetting,” Wrote E. M. Cioran while reflecting on the painful nature of being alive. “Our past would weigh so heavily on our present that we should not have the strength to confront another moment, still less to live through it.”

Forgetting, this innate capacity of our mind, mostly regarded as a hindrance, has a healing potential when it comes to all the painful memories that keep haunting our minds. If only we could utilize it at will, how much lighter our life would be? If we could wipe the board of our memory of all the heartrending scribbles that prevent us from writing a new story of our life. Most of the time, however, this is a luxury we can’t afford. And so we live through all the painful memories that keep us from moving forward and making a meaningful change.

There is, however, another way of going about it, which lies in the art of living in the present moment, the ability to cultivate mindful awareness. This ability to be alive and present comes afresh in the Fear: Essential Wisdom for Getting Through the Storm, a book by renowned Zen master and peace activist Thich Nhat Hanh.

In the chapter called “Don’t Fear the Past,” he offers a simple yet profound analogy of memory as a film that keeps replaying in our minds. Here’s how he puts it:

From your seat in the audience, you look up at the screen. There is a story; there are people on the screen interacting with each other. And down there in the audience, you cry. You experience what’s happening on the screen as real, and that’s why you shed real tears and feel real emotions. The suffering is real; the tears are real.

But a moment of mindful awareness can make all the difference. It can allow us to see through this illusion and realize that at this moment, we are safe and that phantoms from the past can’t hurt us. Thich Nhat Hanh, continues:

But when you come up to touch the screen; you don’t see any real people. It’s nothing but flickering light. … When we recognize that we have a habit of replaying old events and reacting to new events as if they were the old ones, we can begin to notice when that habit energy comes up. We can then gently remind ourselves that we have another choice. We can Look at the moment as it is, a fresh moment, and leave the past for a time when we can look at it compassionately.

Can you truly know yourself? A penetrating inward reflection on this question may reveal its misleading nature. If there is you, then who is yourself that you want to know? As you keep looking deeper, you may notice that you’ve created an image of yourself in your mind. An image that you believe to be you.

It’s one of the questions that Eckhart Tolle explores in The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment which, since its publication in 1997, has become one of the most influential spiritual books of our time. Following a lifelong struggle with anxiety, depression, and eventual moment of inner awakening that he experienced at the age of twenty-nine, Eckhart Tolle has been teaching how to achieve vibrantly alive inner peace through the cultivation of the power of Presence, the awakened state of consciousness which transcends ego and discursive thinking.

Here’s how he describes the process of ego-formation:

As you grow up, you form a mental image of who you are, based on your personal and cultural conditioning. We may call this phantom self the ego. It consists of mind activity and can only be kept going through constant thinking. The term ego means different things to different people, but when I use it here it means a false self, created by unconscious identification with the mind.

Its basic disfunction, Eckhart Tolle continues, lies in its inability to be fully in the now: it always perceives things through the distortion of past and future:

To the ego, the present moment hardly exists. Only past and future are considered important. … It is always concerned with keeping the past alive, because without it — who are you? It constantly projects itself into the future to ensure its continued survival … “One day, when this, that, or the other happens, I am going to be okay, happy, at peace.

Having learned this, we may feel the need to understand the workings of our mind better, but this, Eckhart Tolle insists, is a futile endeavor:

The problems of the mind cannot be solved on the level of the mind. Once you have understood the basic dysfunction, there isn’t really much else that you need to learn or understand. Studying the complexities of the mind may make you a good psychologist, but doing so won’t take you beyond the mind, just as the study of madness isn’t enough to create sanity.

The key to liberation, he continues, lies in the present moment, the only place where we can find out true self rooted in Being:

So once you recognize the root of unconsciousness as identification with the mind, which of course includes the emotions, you step out of it. You become present. When you are present, you can allow the mind to be as it is without getting entangled in it. The mind in itself is not dysfunctional. It is a wonderful tool. Dysfunction sets in when you seek your self in it and mistake it for who you are. It then becomes the egoic mind and takes over your whole life.

You can buy The Power of Now in paperback or Audiobook format from Amazon.